Do i protect you from getting hurt,
and let you become angry at me
for not letting you do what you want to
and never knowing that i did it
to protect you
Never even knowing there was
something to be protected from..
And maybe making you love me a little less for that,
if not less than your love in the past for me,
definitely a little less than your present love for your friends
who, like you, see your dream
but can't see the distance..
Or,
Do I let you go and dare?
I let you go....and....
wait,
hoping
praying
crying
silently
that when you do come back
the damage is not so much
that i can't nurse you back
that i can't make you whole again
i hope...
knotting and unkontting my fingers in teary prayers
i hope..
that when you come back
from your flight
there is some you still left inside of you..
I love you, my child,
I love you..
What do I do?
Sunday, October 5, 2008
A Beautiful mind
An ugly thought;
A dream of the night,
In morning mist lost;
Meanings and Purposes -
A troubled search in the surreal hours,
Counting victories and Losses
Not realizing this battle is not ours ;
Dying to make a difference,
Dying to be different,
My life above all !!!!!
A call in vain…though eloquent;
Relax O' restless Traveller,
Remember you are just….. a traveler
The journey is all there is, all there was,
A destination was never.
An ugly thought;
A dream of the night,
In morning mist lost;
Meanings and Purposes -
A troubled search in the surreal hours,
Counting victories and Losses
Not realizing this battle is not ours ;
Dying to make a difference,
Dying to be different,
My life above all !!!!!
A call in vain…though eloquent;
Relax O' restless Traveller,
Remember you are just….. a traveler
The journey is all there is, all there was,
A destination was never.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
can you believe it...somebody wants em to write :))
http://www.yourstory.in/blogs/team-blogs/6-a-personal-search-.html
dear Zahra,
i am awed by the strength of your good wishes, finally someone has asked me to write for them....
God bless you :)
Friday, June 27, 2008
excerpts from another mail
yeah, yeah, see u on sunday....for sure...
...and i guess, the day u write that big mail to me about all the things that you have been wanting to tell
would be the day you will see an Al Jazeera exclusive video footage of Bush and Osama kissing each other outside a niche marriage court in California....
:((
i got into such trouble today...
and not for much good reason too...
my room mate had forgotten his mobile at our home, i went back at home during lunch for some small work,
and saw his mobile lying there,
i took it along intending to return it to him
but then my conscience balked at the thought of returning back the phone unmolested and its owner unconfounded,
so i just typed an sms
"Call me immediately"
and sent it to the first 7-8 female names i found on his list
and then gave the mobile back to our guy...
and in a couple of minutes he is getting calls from relatives long forgotten
but the worst part was
when a couple of women he had been seeing for marriage, but where the talks had collapsed unceremoniusly much like Israel-Palestine peace talks,
started calling him up and asking what the shit he was upto after such a long time....
as would seem logical from the above delineated sequence of events
our man got mightily pissed off
and the first hints of it came to me
when he passed by my desk in office, and made a certain twitching gesture of his right hand fingers
which somehow my mind inchoately processed as a demand, and far less a request, of wanting me to meet outside...
his soft body language, and soft grimaces notwithstanding, i deduced --- drawing from my deep
experience in studying and understanding finer human emotions of not-so-fine humans--- from his cryptic words
that he was not happy with me :
"What were you thinking!!!???? This is deep shit now !!!!! You have gotten me into deep shit !!!!!
You are @#$##^& &^%**((*&&^^%%$%^& ))(*&^^&^%$$$$$
I don't want to discuss this here,
we will go home and talk about it "
He is already at home
waiting for me
And i sit here, typing this mail,
trying to work off my state of fear through my trembling fears on this keyboard...
he is a soft-spoken guy
what i am concerned about is that
he might not be such a soft-fisted guy.....
...and i guess, the day u write that big mail to me about all the things that you have been wanting to tell
would be the day you will see an Al Jazeera exclusive video footage of Bush and Osama kissing each other outside a niche marriage court in California....
:((
i got into such trouble today...
and not for much good reason too...
my room mate had forgotten his mobile at our home, i went back at home during lunch for some small work,
and saw his mobile lying there,
i took it along intending to return it to him
but then my conscience balked at the thought of returning back the phone unmolested and its owner unconfounded,
so i just typed an sms
"Call me immediately"
and sent it to the first 7-8 female names i found on his list
and then gave the mobile back to our guy...
and in a couple of minutes he is getting calls from relatives long forgotten
but the worst part was
when a couple of women he had been seeing for marriage, but where the talks had collapsed unceremoniusly much like Israel-Palestine peace talks,
started calling him up and asking what the shit he was upto after such a long time....
as would seem logical from the above delineated sequence of events
our man got mightily pissed off
and the first hints of it came to me
when he passed by my desk in office, and made a certain twitching gesture of his right hand fingers
which somehow my mind inchoately processed as a demand, and far less a request, of wanting me to meet outside...
his soft body language, and soft grimaces notwithstanding, i deduced --- drawing from my deep
experience in studying and understanding finer human emotions of not-so-fine humans--- from his cryptic words
that he was not happy with me :
"What were you thinking!!!???? This is deep shit now !!!!! You have gotten me into deep shit !!!!!
You are @#$##^& &^%**((*&&^^%%$%^& ))(*&^^&^%$$$$$
I don't want to discuss this here,
we will go home and talk about it "
He is already at home
waiting for me
And i sit here, typing this mail,
trying to work off my state of fear through my trembling fears on this keyboard...
he is a soft-spoken guy
what i am concerned about is that
he might not be such a soft-fisted guy.....
Friday, May 9, 2008
Wish You a Happy Married Life - The Longest Oxymoron in the world????
I looked outside the big windows and realised it was night.
But it was not dark.
The thousand, mundane lights of Mumbai sat sulking outisde like rows of sullen, tired beggars.
My fingers made some rude love to my heavy eyelids, rubbing them this way and that on the water bed of my spent, watery eyes.....I looked again at the computer screen and let out the 3rd one in a long line of royal sighs.
Late in the office, I was checking out my yahoo mails before leaving for the day when I came across a marriage invite from one of my friends at B. Satyam Darmora, Captain Satyam Darmora - a leader of men, with a staunch following of one.
Satyam Darmora - one heck of a hell raiser, but the kind who is very likely to get thrown out of hell for his troubles rather than be crowned its king of mischief..
Nevertheless a guy who is good fun and adventure to hang around with....Satyam Darmora was getting married...and he had sent an e-mail invite - one of those strange creatures with a BIG head and a small body - to the entire batch.
The Head :"All Good Things Come to An End"
The Body: And so has my bachelorhood. :-(Please be there to support me on this occassion. Iwould like to invite you all to please come & shower your wishes and blessings on this rare occasion. Attached is the wedding invite and following are thekey metrics :
[key metrics not inculded in this blog]
----------
I sighed, closed my eyes, remembered Darmora, and the following words literally poured out from my sensitive (and a lil leaky) soul..
-----------
Many Many Heartiest Congratulations yaar!
Even though time, space and their child - circumstance - conspire against any possibilities of my presence at that really momentous occassion, I assure you that as the tiny stars spin like paper boats in the blue street waters running thousands of miles over blushing maids and cowering grooms in Dehradun, I shall be looking at those very same stars sitting on the bar-grilled bal-cony of my Mumbai flat, currently shared with a couple of guys getting too late for marriage, and as the jewels of time tumble and the moment approaches when you shall be tying yourself into knots as you put those 3 knots around a decieptfully delicate neck I shall close my eyes and breath a deep sigh, the mists of which shall haze the air below my nose making some of my prodigally long nasal hair shiver like fir trees in an icy winter night breeze, and shall remember with respect and awe and a sense of homage the great Captain who never heard an "Aye" the entire heroic part of his life, the Great Captain, who almost won the Lead India Campaign. Now that Captain shall be leading a train of kids, himself lugged by the engine of a wife.
Yeah, my friend, yeah, I shall sit on that lonely fateful black night in my green shorts on the grey balcony, looking beyond the emptiness of air into the inviting, embracing hole of the mouth of my beer bottle, i shall look down its slender, smooth neck and into the sudden yet graceful expanse of its chest, and I shall look down into the tiny bubbles of joy and beauty and promise and hope, and on the tiny, ephemeral, dancing surfaces of those froth bubbles, I shall see mirrored your entranced face as you partook of the same beauty of a beer bottle on L Square nights, with a delicate fervour which made seem that you were kissing the bottle instead of drinking beer from it.
And as the soft magic of the beer spreads warmly in my memory, I shall remember how happy simple things made you - which from that momentous moment in Dehradun would be like poison to you - things, such as a women's legs. Nay my friend, at your very sights they stayed no more legs, but turned into flaming torches, which lighted fires in your eyes, and melted your heart which dripped down your open mouth, and your yearning, burning sighs blew like smoke from a burning coconut hemp. In those moments my friend, I tell you, I could smell a man's conscience burning. But no more shall such heat and fire and light burn you...no more......
...But even in this difficult passage of time, that makes you swallow so difficultly...I know that you can still hold your head up and proud, and say to all those that have gone before you on this path - Hari kishan Mowa, Kiran Babu, Sagar Sahu, Jabba and many many others - you can say to all of them, in the very words of the venerated Shree Atal Bihari Bajpayee....
"Maine ab tak shadi nahin kee,
par iska matlab ye nahin ki maine brahmacharya ka paalan kiya hai"
Happy Married Life Dear Satyam Darmora Captain Saheb,
Your memory shall be enough to give us courage.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He hasn't yet replied to my words of homage, but I guess he is busy with other things.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S. - This blog is dedicated to Zahra, another anonymous reader, whose kind words made me put this mail up here.
But it was not dark.
The thousand, mundane lights of Mumbai sat sulking outisde like rows of sullen, tired beggars.
My fingers made some rude love to my heavy eyelids, rubbing them this way and that on the water bed of my spent, watery eyes.....I looked again at the computer screen and let out the 3rd one in a long line of royal sighs.
Late in the office, I was checking out my yahoo mails before leaving for the day when I came across a marriage invite from one of my friends at B. Satyam Darmora, Captain Satyam Darmora - a leader of men, with a staunch following of one.
Satyam Darmora - one heck of a hell raiser, but the kind who is very likely to get thrown out of hell for his troubles rather than be crowned its king of mischief..
Nevertheless a guy who is good fun and adventure to hang around with....Satyam Darmora was getting married...and he had sent an e-mail invite - one of those strange creatures with a BIG head and a small body - to the entire batch.
The Head :"All Good Things Come to An End"
The Body: And so has my bachelorhood. :-(Please be there to support me on this occassion. Iwould like to invite you all to please come & shower your wishes and blessings on this rare occasion. Attached is the wedding invite and following are thekey metrics :
[key metrics not inculded in this blog]
----------
I sighed, closed my eyes, remembered Darmora, and the following words literally poured out from my sensitive (and a lil leaky) soul..
-----------
Many Many Heartiest Congratulations yaar!
Even though time, space and their child - circumstance - conspire against any possibilities of my presence at that really momentous occassion, I assure you that as the tiny stars spin like paper boats in the blue street waters running thousands of miles over blushing maids and cowering grooms in Dehradun, I shall be looking at those very same stars sitting on the bar-grilled bal-cony of my Mumbai flat, currently shared with a couple of guys getting too late for marriage, and as the jewels of time tumble and the moment approaches when you shall be tying yourself into knots as you put those 3 knots around a decieptfully delicate neck I shall close my eyes and breath a deep sigh, the mists of which shall haze the air below my nose making some of my prodigally long nasal hair shiver like fir trees in an icy winter night breeze, and shall remember with respect and awe and a sense of homage the great Captain who never heard an "Aye" the entire heroic part of his life, the Great Captain, who almost won the Lead India Campaign. Now that Captain shall be leading a train of kids, himself lugged by the engine of a wife.
Yeah, my friend, yeah, I shall sit on that lonely fateful black night in my green shorts on the grey balcony, looking beyond the emptiness of air into the inviting, embracing hole of the mouth of my beer bottle, i shall look down its slender, smooth neck and into the sudden yet graceful expanse of its chest, and I shall look down into the tiny bubbles of joy and beauty and promise and hope, and on the tiny, ephemeral, dancing surfaces of those froth bubbles, I shall see mirrored your entranced face as you partook of the same beauty of a beer bottle on L Square nights, with a delicate fervour which made seem that you were kissing the bottle instead of drinking beer from it.
And as the soft magic of the beer spreads warmly in my memory, I shall remember how happy simple things made you - which from that momentous moment in Dehradun would be like poison to you - things, such as a women's legs. Nay my friend, at your very sights they stayed no more legs, but turned into flaming torches, which lighted fires in your eyes, and melted your heart which dripped down your open mouth, and your yearning, burning sighs blew like smoke from a burning coconut hemp. In those moments my friend, I tell you, I could smell a man's conscience burning. But no more shall such heat and fire and light burn you...no more......
...But even in this difficult passage of time, that makes you swallow so difficultly...I know that you can still hold your head up and proud, and say to all those that have gone before you on this path - Hari kishan Mowa, Kiran Babu, Sagar Sahu, Jabba and many many others - you can say to all of them, in the very words of the venerated Shree Atal Bihari Bajpayee....
"Maine ab tak shadi nahin kee,
par iska matlab ye nahin ki maine brahmacharya ka paalan kiya hai"
Happy Married Life Dear Satyam Darmora Captain Saheb,
Your memory shall be enough to give us courage.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He hasn't yet replied to my words of homage, but I guess he is busy with other things.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S. - This blog is dedicated to Zahra, another anonymous reader, whose kind words made me put this mail up here.
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